Yes, good readers, it’s time for another Writing Mechanics Rant. Let the snarkage* begin!

My sister, a connoisseur of stupid ideas in education, posted this little bit of idiocy yesterday:

http://blog.coreknowledge.org/2009/12/28/a-n-a-c-h-r-o-n-i-s-m/

Okay, fine, it’s true. As a professional writer, I rarely face spelling tests in the traditional “list of words to be memorized” format.

On the other hand, as a professional writer, I face a different sort of spelling test every day of my life. Each word in every article,  book chapter, and query letter I write must be spelled perfectly before I send it off to an editor. Yes, perfectly. Editors and literary agents have neither the time nor the patience to deal with even one word of awthentick speling. Spell just three or four words wrong in a query, and the editor will probably hit the delete key before you can utter “PhD in Educational Theory.” Time is too precious and writers too plentiful for editors and agents to bother with someone who can’t even spell.

Does this seem harsh? Possibly even demeaning to a would-be author’s fragile and delicate psyche? Welcome to the real world, into which all children will eventually be thrust. As opposed to the reel whirled, which a spell-check program might not catch. (Yes, I use spell check too. All writers need editors, and these days, canned electronic help is about all we can get.) A writer must know how to spell the right words at the right time. So must the average business executive, the occasional engineer, and most every educational professional.

Happily, I can spell fairly well. Why can I do that? Because as a child, I studied for and took a lot of spelling tests. It turns out that all that boring, inauthentic rote memorization stuck. And the information I memorized has in turn helped me in my adult life. Shocking!

* Yes Dad, I know that “snarkage” is not a real word. I reserve the right to break rules occasionally, when the situation warrants it and when I bloody well feel like it. I’z authentic like that.

That is, I’m a blogger for Oyster Locals. Oyster Hotel Reviews is a new(ish) web site that provides comprehensive hotel reviews. To me, it’s like reading what a AAA Guide might say if it had the space, with a hearty dose of Moon Handbook-style individual writer’s personality. The folks at Oyster have a pretty good handle on what teh Innerwebz can offer to a travel guide, and have taken advantage of the web’s strengths and now-cheap bandwidth.

They’ve just put up their first two West Coast sites–LA and San Francisco. Turns out that most of my favorite SF hotels are “gay-friendly.” Why am I not surprised?

Oyster’s other new content site is Oyster Locals–a pro multi-author travel blog covering attractions, restaurants, and activities in the cities and islands where they do hotel reviews. That’s where I’m writing. I am the first Oyster San Francisco blogger! In fact, I seem to be the first Oyster Not-NYC blogger.

I’ll be reposting blurbs and links to my Oyster posts here and on Travels With Pain.

Let the fun begin!

(For the record, some of your readers were still in school in 1998. And by “school,” I mean “6th grade.” )

And for the love of all that’s good and holy to the publishing industry, drop the riff about using heavyweight stationary and smaller/larger envelopes in letters of introduction to editors. Many of us young whippersnappers will get precisely squat out of writing an on-paper pitch or letter of introduction to editors and agents, even if we illuminate it in freakin’ 24-carat gold leaf on genuine goat vellum.

How can that possibly be? It’s what you did a mere 10 or 15 or 20 years ago and it worked spectacularly for you! And you know that the industry has changed–you’ve got a blog and a Facebook page and everything! But it hasn’t changed that much, no sirree. Paper letters still work!

No, they really really do not.

As a young whippersnapper who’s been publishing in magazines, newspapers, and books for a mere 8 years, I straddle the generation gap in publishing. I’ve tried it all, including on-paper, US-mailed letters to editors, emails, tweeting, Facebook messages, and answering ads on Craigslist.

Most surprisingly useful method of getting paying writing gigs: Answering ads on Craigslist.

Most surprisingly useless method of getting any response whatsoever: Sending paper letters.

I have never, not even ONCE, gotten a paying gig by sending a paper letter to an editor, despite everything I’ve read about how important paper letters are to The Industry(tm).

I got my first book deal by answering a Craigslist ad.

It’s increasingly frustrating to see writing teachers, coaches, and bloggers continuing to roll out creaky, useless advice about SASEs and Egyptian cotton stationary even as the print media industry implodes before our very eyes.

Please, I’m begging you, can you stop writing articles about how to E-Query an agent and start addressing methods to drive traffic to my blog and writing for iPhone apps? Thank you.

(For my younger readers, the acronym means Self Addressed Stamped Envelope. No, it’s nothing you need to worry about in your 21st century writing career.)

http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/why-he-will-not-read-your-fucking-script/

Just because somebody thinks they have “cool ideas” for a novel, screenplay, whatever does NOT make that somebody a writer.

And I swear, the next person who hears what I do for a so-called living and tells me “Oh I love to travel! I could be a travel writer too!” will be in grave danger of getting hammered to death with the extended-life battery of my four-year-old laptop.

I need to be one of the top 10 vote-getters to qualify for the Finals of this contest. The Grand Prize is a 2-week sojourn to New York City, plus a $10,000 contract to write about travel in NYC. That prize, especially the payment for writing services rendered, sounds pretty good right about now.

Thanks for your support!

And thus, I’ve gotta wonder if the intrepid author of this self-help book wrote this Amazon review herself.

In a shocking turn of events that will likely send ripples through the world of social media, spelling counts!

Wall Street Journal claims that engineers need to write competently, even in email.

What astonishes me more than the intrepid, semi-literate engineer described in the article are the legions of college students and even self-described writers who can’t write a coherent English sentence. How does someone manage to graduate from university, regardless of major, still confusing “our” and “are”? How do they pass the basic English course that’s part of every general ed curriculum I’ve ever heard of?

As for the so-called writers who seem to think that they’ll get published using lolcatz-style as their “voice” because they don’t understand basic grammar…good luck with that. In fact, please pitch the same editors and agents I pitch.

Thank you.

http://www.trazzler.com/trips/lassen-volcanic-national-park-in-ca

This Saturday, August 22 I’ll be meeting readers and signing my new travel guidebook, Moon California at Barnes & Noble in the Pruneyard shopping center in Campbell. Starting at 2:30 p.m., I’ll be up near the front door. Come say hi and pick up a copy (or two) of my funny, opinion-filled guide. Wherever you want to visit, sleep, or eat in the Golden State, I’ll give you great advice about where to play, ponder, dine, and rest.

Moon California makes a great guide for Labor Day weekend getaways!

Here are the vital statistics:

Barnes & Noble at the Pruneyard
1875 S. Bascom Avenue Ste 240
Campbell, CA 95008
408-559-8101
Saturday August 22, 2:30 pm – people stop talking to me

I have another confession to make: I am a grammar snob. I don’t care if I am reading on teh intarwebz, if you claim to be a professional writer or to run a professional web site, I willthink less of you if I see major and repetitive grammar errors in your articles, blogs, and tweets. I care about spelling and punctuation, too.

My current pet peeve: writers who misuse possessives in the place of plurals. In other words: Put that apostrophe down if you don’t know how to use it!

With very few specific exceptions, ‘s attached to a noun denotes the possessive, NOT the plural. That is, if you mean “more than one of,” do not use an apostrophe. If you mean “belongs to,” add the apostrophe.

Simple Good Example:
Oranges cost $1 each.

Do Not Use:
Orange’s cost $1 each.

Complex Good Example:
That MILF’s boobs are huge!

Do Not Use:
That MILFs boob’s are huge!

Never, for any reason, use ‘s with a verb. If the verb form or tense you are using ends in s, write a punctuation-free word.

Correct Example:
Social media helps people waste whole workdays.

Do Not Use:
Social media help’s people waste whole workdays.

In doubt about using an apostrophe? Then don’t. It’s probably not necessary. And you’ll look less dumb omitting it; a missed apostrophe can be a typo, but one added where it doesn’t belong is a mistake.